Tuesday March 8th, 2016 Macao, China

This morning could quite possibly be our worst ever hotel club level experience; not only was the food on offer atrocious but the chair I was sitting in collapsed sending my crashing to the floor and after waiting 20 minutes for someone to cook her an egg we had to leave in order to meet up with our tour group for the day. We are determined not to let this crappy situation get in the way of our enjoyment – but it is a major annoyance.

Today is Macao day. Whereas yesterday Sandra and I acted as tour guides for Scott and Sean, today we cross, for us, uncharted waters for a day trip to the former Portuguese colony of Macao. This excursion was pre-booked and 4 of us were picked up at 7:30AM by a tour bus, which then did the rounds of several Kowloon hotels before depositing us at the ferry terminal for our trip across to Macao. 

The tour guide accompanied our group into the terminal where he explained the procedures we would have to follow to get through Hong Kong immigration and customs before giving us our tickets and telling us another guide would meet us in Macao. The whole process was very smooth and we soon boarded the hydrofoil for the one-hour crossing. The boat was very comfortable with large pre-assigned seats and a continuously running video of two young ladies briefly explaining some of the cultural highlights of Macao before extolling the virtues of the vast casinos and shopping malls – all in sub-titled English. I dozed off.

We were met in Macao by our new tour guide, Cisco – who had the particularly annoying habit of speaking about himself in the third person, I hate that. Cisco explained that thanks to the benevolence of the new lavish casinos and their “donation” of a new “temporary” ferry terminal, we had come thorough Macao immigration in record time. He proposed we use this extra time for a quick detour to the Venetian casino before starting the official tour – actually he put the issue to a vote of the tour group, but by the time we figured out what he was asking he took this acquiescence as approval – so off we went.

The Venetian in Macao is an exact replica of the Venetian in Las Vegas and so our distaste for the Las Vegas original was replicated for its Macao cousin. We used the time to get a Starbucks. 

Finally we are back on the bus and the official tour starts. Despite the fact that he keeps telling us this is not a gambling tour, Cisco is straight away bombarding us with facts about all the casinos on Macao and their shady owners – really we just want to know about the history and culture. Things settle down a bit and we see how close Macao is to Mainland China – in fact a short causeway connects it. Illegal immigration across the narrow strip of water from China to Macao is discouraged by machine gun towers on the Chinese side, with shoot-to-kill orders.

A short journey takes us to an old temple; in fact it’s the spot where the Portuguese first landed on Macao back in 15 something. It’s hard to imagine this first encounter; the sailors apparently having trouble with their boat seek help from the locals on shore. There is no common language to help the exchange of information but the Portuguese are keen to know where exactly they have fetched up. Eventually the monks somehow figure out what the foreigners want and tell them the name of the temple, A-Ma. The sailors misunderstand this to be the name of the entire country and their interpretation of the Chinese word eventually leads to the name Macao. Or so the story goes.

The temple is a bit ho-hum (that’s not a Chinese phrase by the way) for a World Heritage site, but the highlight of the stop is scoffing down the Portuguese tarts from the local bakery. Cisco took a count while we were on the bus and called in the order – clever chap, wonder if he got a free one? The tarts consist of a small pastry shell filled with an egg custard, browned on the top and served warm - very good.

Next stop the Macao tower, apparently one of the tallest needle-style towers in the world. There is some debate on the bus about whether it’s worth stopping as it is very cloudy and visibility from the top would be limited. The tour company has a rule that if 10% of the customers want to go to the top of the tower (for an extra charge) then they have to stop. Those not interested in ascending the tower get to mingle at the bottom among the shops and slot machines. We opt to go to the top and this trips the 10% rule; I sense a collective groan on the bus.

We’ve been up our fair share of towers and high buildings around the world – the Macao tower was OK. As predicted the visibility from the top was almost none existent; at times there was a brief clear moment and we could see China and the ground at the foot of the tower. The highlight of the tower visit was watching the maniacs bungee jumping and walking around a narrow outdoor platform (suitable tethered).

More casino facts from Cisco, and he has now woven in all the cultural superstitions that the Chinese people follow in order to gain wealth. “Don’t touch a gambler on the left shoulder”, “surround your house with outward facing mirrors”, “stand on one leg and whistle Dixie” – OK I made that last on up. But really with all these sure-fired ways to guarantee luck and wealth one has to wonder why all Chinese are not billionaires. 

Finally we are at a real cultural treasure, the ruins of The Church of St. Paul. This stone façade has long been the symbol of Macao, but I wonder how long it will last at the rate new casinos are going up. Cisco makes a big deal about how the façade has withstood earthquakes and monsoon winds to remain freestanding. But on not-so-close examination I notice major structural steel supporting the stone wall from behind and reinforced concrete lining what were once window openings. Nevertheless the ruins are impressive and make for a great photo opportunity – hence the large crowds. 

A wide stone staircase leads down from the small square in front of the façade and is flanked on one side by beautiful gardens. From the foot of the stairs we wander through the narrow winding streets of the old town, Cisco warns us about expert pickpockets – who are apparently all tourists, the locals would never do such a thing. The old town is quaint but packed with people, Cisco tells us we are lucky this is not a busy day – he’s not joking. 

The tour ends with 20 minutes of free time to either browse the knock-off shops (which Cisco insists only sell “seconds” not knock-offs) or hang out in the Jackie Chan casino – yes it is in part owned by the famous martial arts movie star. Ordinarily we’d choose option 3, but Cisco has primed us with stories about the opulence of the Jackie Chan casino with it’s “English” guards outside, gold bars in the floor of the lobby and $1M outward facing mirror. So we toodle along to the casino and find out that it’s all true. We barely have time for a cold drink before we are rounded up onto the bus for the return journey to the ferry terminal. 

The advantage of these tours is that you get so see a lot in a short amount of time – I don’t think we would have got to half the places in Macao if we’d been self-guided. The downside is that sometimes you get a tour guide without an off switch.

At the Cordis club level later that night the pitiful display of food confirmed our fear; the days of the lavish Langham food spreads were a thing of the past – we feel ripped off.